Airport '79 - The Concorde

Still not seen the original Airport, but did see '75 and '77 at the cinema (having to queue for the former and liking the latter so much - mainly due to the presence of childhood hero Christopher Lee - I saw it three times. Franco-Brit aviation marvel the Concorde made a few film appearances, providing what UK critics thought was the only good joke in Carry On Emmannuelle, pushing Cubby Broccoli's product placement into Mac And Me territory in Moonraker and adding a million or so to the budget of Brian DePalma's rather wayward production of Tom Wolfe's Bonfire Of The Vanities for one (rather spectacular) shot. Via the magic of stock footage, the supersonic bird even popped up in mad auteur and VAT fraudster Richard Driscoll's Kannibal. However, Airport '79 is America's love letter to the rich and famous's airborne limo. The US initially objected to its presence on their shores and I was delighted to see Jennings Lang open the film with some krazy Yankee kidz protesting about the 'plane arriving in America by taking to a hot air balloon and drifting into Concorde's flight path. They represent environmental protest organisation 'Airpeace' (ahem).

Fortunately Europilot Alain Delon avoids them and lands safely, in time to pick up the inevitable weird mix of passengers. He's joined by the Aiport series Mr Consistency, Joe Patroni (George Kennedy - on MAD magazine's spoof of '75, they dubbed him Joe Baloney). This time Joe gets to fly alongside Delon, and the pair get to expel industrial strength testosterone together. Britain's addition to this man's world is aloof David Warner, more concerned with his diet than slobbering over past conquests. The reason for Delon's macho posturing could be the return of his ex as Chief Stewardess, played by international sex symbol Sylvia Kristel. Baloney's mid-life masculine crisis may have been brought on by the death of his wife and his son bunking off to college. Delon will assist him in sowing his wild oats during a stay in Paris (the essence of which may have been filched in True Romance) In a fantastic piece of hindsight-assisted boy-did-they-get-it-wrong prophecy, the Russian Olympic team have been on a goodwill visit to the US to advertise the forthcoming Moscow Olympiad (what part did this film play in America's boycott?) which includes the world's most unfit coach (accompanied by a pathos-inducing deaf and dumb daughter) and an aging gymnast being romanced by American reporter Robert Palmer (who's obviously addicted to love - arf!) Apart from super-cliche dope-smoking jazz saxophonist, over-the-hill scat singer and airline owner Eddie Albert who possesses enough testosterone to have a trophy wife approximately a third of his age. Best of all, there's an ace TV anchorwoman who used to be involved with munitions manufacturer Robert Wagner currently testing a prototype missile called the Buzzard. Our heroine is getting ready to join Concorde when she's visited by a shady man in a shady mac who claims to be an employee of the munitions company, and he's discovered Bob Wagner has made his fortune by selling arms to America's enemies - the swine! Enter an even shadier man in a just as shady mac who eliminates the grass with a silenced pistol, but not before our heroine knows that certain documents proving Bob's guilt are to be delivered to her. Anchorwoman survives this encounter but then has to fend off Bob who's at face value trying to rekindle their previous romance, but is really attempting to suss out just how much she knows. She successfully keeps him at arms length, and as he sees her on to her flight he's smugly sure she knows nothing, but as she steps through the door a wheelchair bound woman scoots up to her, hands her 'the documents' and swerves around to scream 'MURDERER!' at a gobsmacked Wagner. This is where things become what an internet colleague of mine described as 'a gargantuan explosion of Whathefuckery' as Wagner gets a minion to reprogramme the Buzzard to shoot down Concorde and, as back up, enrols a French fixer to make sure a fighter 'plane is on hand in case the Buzzard fails. And that's not the half of it. Thrills, spills and some of the worst process work since Diamonds Are Forever make this unmissable. Sure it may have set up Airplane! as the only way forward but, in its own way its a fitting tribute to the ultimate aircraft (of my youth anyway).